Decisions, decisions

I'm discovering I have great difficulty in my life when it comes to making big decisions. I tend to overspiritualize everything. I'm so afraid to make the "wrong" decision that it takes me months to figure out what I should do. I pray and fast hoping for some sort of sign from God and then when I don't see writing on the wall, I freak out and end up making no decision at all.

When it comes to shopping or what beverage I should order at Starbucks I have no problems. I don't see the point in trying on 20 pairs of jeans and taking an hour to decide which ones make my butt look best. If I don't find something I want in a store in under 20 minutes, I'm usually out. It's not worth the time and I don't leave upset and in turmoil over the fact that I didn't choose anything.

However, it's the bigger things that stump me. I'm not really implying that I should treat big life decisions like a pair of jeans and pick something in 20 minutes, but shouldn't it be just a bit easier than I make it? Maybe God just wants us to pick something and get on with our lives. Maybe everything isn't as spiritual as I make it and I should just go with what feels best. People in the Bible had it so easy. God did actually write on walls, or send 10ft angels, or send a prophet to your front door.

I was watching "The Preacher's Wife" on TV the other day and I sent a little prayer up to the Lord. I said "Lord, if you're not going to send me an angel with specific instructions about my life plan, then can you just send me Denzel Washington?"

So what's the verdict? Roll the dice and just go with what feels right, or wait for writing on the wall that may or may not come?

God and Darwin

Newsweek had a fascinating article about Charles Darwin this week. I learned a lot that I didn't know about him or his theories (blame it on bad high school science teachers). Darwin was actually planning to go into full-time ministry before he went on a little boat trip and visited the island of Galapagos (with the turtles) and made all his discoveries about natural selection. After writing his book and announcing his theories about evolution, Darwin eventually fell away from his beliefs in God, not only because of his theories that he believed precluded the existence of God, but also because of personal tragedy in his own life. He asked the quesiton that we all ask, at one time or another, if God exists, why does He let bad things happen? His own daughter died at the age of 10 from illness and Darwin eventually died a non-believer.

The Christian Church has been at war with Darwin and his theories for the last century, the most well-known battle fought over whether children should be taught evolution as part of their studies in public school versus theories of intelligent design. They (or should I say we?) have villanized the man and made it a religious freedom issue.

How important is this issue? Can one believe in evolution and still be a believer in the one true God? Did Darwin go to heaven? Can I be a Christian and still totally deny the truth of certain parts of the Bible? Our salvation is supposedly based on our faith in God and His son, so is it possible to still have faith and false beliefs? Can they co-exist?

A. W. Tozer said "What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. ... Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God." Is what we think about God central to our salvation though?

Thoughts welcome. :o)

When life gives you lemons...

...make lemonade. But what if you don't like lemonade?

I really don't understand the way life is sometimes. You're going along, doing your thing, trying to follow God's call for you life, even though you have no idea what that is. You think things are going a certain way and then BAM!! You're suddenly hit in the face with a whole bushel of lemons and wonder how it happened. Did I miss something? Was I supposed to turn right back there instead of left?

I think the most frustrating thing is that I wonder if it's possible that I've known the Lord for as long as I have and am still unable to hear His voice. Did I just think I heard it? Did I follow Him to this place only to find out I was following something else? What have years of going to church, having quiet times, going to school of ministry led me to? A total inability to separate myself enough from my own feelings and emotions to make a decision totally based on what God wants me to do?

The tricky thing is this whole idea of God granting you the desires of you heart. Somehow I've believed the docrtine of "God wants you to have what you desire so just keep following and trusting Him and things will work out the way you want." The idea that obedience somehow leads to success and happiness. I've been living my whole life under that premise. If I am faithful and do what He wants me to do, things are going to work out better for me than Susie Sinful. When that doesn't happen, you start to quesiton your very identity. The day you wake up and realize that maybe you're really a Pharisee is a bad one.

So for the time being, I'm just gonna add those lemons to my iced tea.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

I'm not sure what it is about this age, mid-20's. It seems that there should be some sort of support group for those of us who are single, out of college, and either starting a professional career or looking for one. It's such a weird time. I thought college was bizarre, but it doesn't even compare to this.

I am trying to answer all these huge life questions, while trying to maintain that I've already figured them all out. I've never had so many deep, long discussions about the meaning of life, and what my core values are, and what I want to do, and who I want to be. And they aren't debate-like discussions where I state what I believe and the other person responds. It's more of a dialogue where he/she will say something that makes me say "Yeah, that's what I want too!" or "No, I don't follow that at all." I'm not talking about changing truth, but I feel like I'm beginning to formulate who it is that I am and who I want to be.

I know that it is a priority to me to always have close and intimate friendships in my life no matter if I'm married or single. We can make it without people who know us and who help us through crappy times and keep us accountable. I see too many married couples today who seem to be content with just having each other. That is not going to cut it for me. I want a group of friends who go out on Friday nights and do dinner. Who share life experiences and are vulnerable. I don't want surfacy friends that I see once a week at church in passing as we drop our kids off at Sunday school. Or ones that I make small talk with at soccer practice. I think this is a huge issue with our culture these days. No one has true friendship anymore. The church has tried to remedy this with small groups, but I question whether that has even worked. I know people who go to small groups and still don't have any true friends that they are real with. I know life gets busy with jobs and kids and whatever else, but we make time for what is important to us and this is important to me.

This isn't the most well-written blog ever, but thanks for reading anyway.

Down with the Man

I think I'd update more often if there wasn't all this pressure to come up with something witty and brilliant everytime. I mean, after all the name of this blog is "So long status quo". My byline may as well be "Just say no to ordinary". That actually sounds like a car commercial..."The 2006 Kia Spectra...just say no to ordinary." I should get paid for this stuff.

I'm currently at my church office answering phones while the staff is in a meeting. They came in and asked me to make a pot of coffee. When I brought it in I said "This is so pre-women's lib." I mean, seriously. Did anyone see that political cartoon about John Roberts during his senate confirmation? He's been taking a lot of flak for his position on women's issues during the 80's. In the cartoon someone is asking him about women's rights or something and he turns to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, hands her his coffee cup, and says "Black, decaf". Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

I don't know why I decided to make it a women's lib issue. Maybe it's cause I went through a feminist phase one semester in college. Why can't I assume that they asked me because I work for Starbucks and they know I can make a good cup of coffee? Or because I'm volunteering to answer the phones while they're in staff and it's only logical that I'll make coffee while they're here?

Perhaps this is an overarching issue for my life. I make everything into some bigger issue. I always want to make my small problem part of some bigger general issue. I can't simply make coffee for people. I have to make it into a political issue that women have been dealing with for the ages. Burn your bras! Put your kids in daycare because you can work just as well as a man! Join forces and refuse to make coffee!!

A venti coffee and a side of crazy to go

So I'm at work yesterday...

(It's possible that many entries could begins this way. I work at Starbucks and the weirdest people come in sometimes. For example, the guy who came in a few weeks ago ranting about how the Communists are everywhere, they're creating an army of cars (?), and how he needs a ride down to Borders bookstore because he placed a Korean bible in the dumpster there that has codes in it to save the world. Just another day in the life of a guy who obviously works for the CIA, the FBI, and conicidentally, the KGB, which for those of you who watch Alias, no longer exists. He was later on dragged out by the police. I wonder what they did with that pita bread he was snacking on?)

So this trucker guy comes in. He's from Tennessee. Obviously never had corrective dental work done at any point in his life. He proceeds to order 2 drinks. A venti mocha with 8 shots of espresso. (For those who are not caffiene addicts, 8 shots should be past the legal limit. I wouldn't want to drive my little car next to his semi.) He also orders a venti white mocha frappucino with 10 scoops of malt, for his pregnant wife who is apparently waiting in the truck. Now, the normal amount that I would put in a venti frappucino is 4. So obviously someone is using that "I'm pregnant and can consume whatever I want" routine.

Dwayne proceeds to talk about how he drives in 48 states and takes his wife with him wherever he goes. Dwayne has a special skill, too. He can tell when women are going to get pregnant. He knew about his wife and his sister--in-law. He points to me (which I am oblivious to at the time) and says to my co-worker, "See that girl over there? She'll be pregnant within a year."

Thanks, Dwayne. I need a shower now. And a prescription for birth control. Have a nice day and enjoy that caffiene.

What the heck?

Why do I feel compelled to start another one of these things? Nicole, this is totally your fault. I had one for about 3 years, and it turned into a writhing mass of melodrama. Oooh, that was nice. Maybe I blog because I say insane things like "writhing mass of melodrama."

So this is where I get to talk all about me, and open the door to all of you and invite you to share in my sick little world. The world where everything is analyzed in triplicate and where I finally come to see that simple truths are really just that...truth. And there's a reason things become cliche. As much as we hate to hear them, they are true. Things like "It'll all work out in the end" and "Time heals all wounds". Oh how I hate that.

It's raining here and a bit cold. I could opt to stay here and watch Felicity for 2 hours on WE, end up crying and depressed and thinking about all the reasons why my life connects with a fictional character...or I could go to the Evil Empire of Darkness (aka WalMart) and buy deodorant.

See, already I've sucked you in. Isn't this fun?