Secondhand Jesus: Trading Rumors of God for a Firsthand Faith

This book is for anyone who's been in the church/the faith for any length of time and ever asked themselves "What is this even about and what are we doing here?"

I've found this book to be authentic and raw at it's very core as Packiam deals with some of the major "rumors" about God in our culture today. It's a sobering thing to think you've lived your entire life as a Christian, and yet in the dark and quiet moments, question whether you really know who God is or what He is about.

As we go through life and either experience trying times on our own or witness the tribulation of those dearest to us, we come face to face with those questions. We may even attempt to throw out a few answers, but unless we do the work of seeking Him out, we can never experience true authenticity in our relationship with Christ.

Packiam has presented the challenge to me to find out who God is, independent of what the "experts" have to say, no matter how compelling the song lyrics or how often downloaded the sermon podcast may be. As Paul says in Phillipians 3:8 "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things". Truly knowing Him surpasses all thing and we should not be satisfied with Rumors.

What the...

Don't get excited. I've made no resolution to start blogging again. I have, however, been thinking about lots of blogging things lately. And I'm trying to write songs and have found that my creativity is at an all-time low and I'm hoping that if I start writing down thoughts more often, things will start flowing a bit better. And who has time for actual pen-to-journal writing? That requires an energy commitment that I'm just not ready for. Commitment-phobe? I think not. Energy efficient? Yes. And going green. How trendy of me. Someone call Al Gore, I'm saving the earth.

Speaking of going Green, I got a call from the North Texas alumni association the other day. Some 16-year old TAMS student, no doubt, calls to update my address, get the low-down on my current job situation, raise money, etc.

Energetic TAMS kid: "Oh you're in marketing? Cool! How'd that happen? A communications degree, you say? What exactly does that even mean? Oh you're not sure? This is uncomfortable. Would you like to donate money to an education for kids who are getting degrees that will actually give them a life skill?"

So I listen to his little fundraising spiel and as he's going on and on, I say:

"Hey, it's been fun, but I've got to run out the door. Is there any way you can send me an email about all of this? "

Energetic TAMS kid: "Um, yeah I can't do that. We're going green here at North Texas. But I'd be happy to call you back at a time that's more convenient for you."

Long pause.

Me: "I don't mean to be rude, but can you explain how exactly "going green" means you can't send me an email?"

Energetic TAMS kid: "Well, we'd have to pay someone to send the email and it uses up all that energy. But I can see if my supervisor will make a special exception."

Oh trust me, it's considerably less energy than this conversation is taking. And by "going green" I now understand he means "saving green". But whatever. Does he not have a computer in front of him? And a special exception? This is not like asking for the vegetarian meal on a plane. Hit send. I'll send money. Good trade off. I'm was a Comm major and even I can figure that one out.

Me: "Yeah, yeah kid. Call me tomorrow."

Thank goodness for caller ID.

A Call to Action

Last night I watched the documentary "Branded", a new documentary by a guy from The Element. It exposes the sex trafficking business in the Phoenix area, mostly girls under the age of 18.

I wept through the entire thing.

I couldn't help but think the whole time about how blessed my sisters and I were to be born into the life that we were. And about how these girls live just miles from me, with absolutely no hope. About how it's really easy for me to leave my nice apartment, wearing nice clothes, and go sing nice songs proclaiming Truth, hope, life, and still walk away many times unchanged and even unmotivated to really live out the Gospel. The reason Jesus came: "To preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoner."

I shouldn't speak for anyone else who viewed the film, but I have to say that I left with strong conviction last night that if I do nothing...if I walk away unchanged and unmoved, than I am nothing but an "educated, self-inflated Pharisee".

So what's the next step? I'm still figuring that out. But I do know that I will do something. If that means giving money , donating my time, finding ways to create awareness about injustice in my own backyard, I'll do it. I know I don't blog very often, but I'm writing so that you, few readers, will hold me accountable. I don't want to forget and continue to live out my life in a fabricated, blissful ignorance.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Living a life in the mundane

I read today on CNN.com that the 21-year marriage of Spiderman and MJ has finally come to an end. Now, I am not an avid Spiderman and I've never even picked up a single comic book, but this struck me as really sad and I think it serves as some real insight into our modern-day culture.



Essentially, the two are breaking up to "add some excitement" to the story. I mean, what can possibly be exciting about the ins and outs of a 21-year marriage? Great television drama is not made up of happily married, functional and healthy marriages. Which is why we love Grey's Anatomy. What makes for better drama than a bunch of hot, wildly successful and single surgeons who switch romantic partners like they're playing a game of Hot Potato? Monogamy really is no fun. Where else but prime-time televison are we actually hoping Dr. McDreamy will leave his beautiful wife to be with the young, exciting intern? I'm sad to say I'm even part of the viewing audience.



But this isn't about Grey's Anatomy. This is about the propensity of human beings to jump from one new thing to the next hoping to find the thing that will ultimately satisfy them at their core. And about how in our culture, the "everyday" is just boring. When in reality, the majority of our life is made up by the "everyday". We get up, go to work, drink our coffee, eat lunch at the same places, go home, workout, eat dinner, etc etc. Not really all that exciting by some standards and so we look to Dr. McDreamy, or Spiderman or some other fictional character to make our mundane lives seem more exciting.



The reality (and perhaps saddest part) is that the true extent of living life in that way is never explored on t.v. Can you imagine actually living the life of any of those people? When the show is over, perhaps Meredith has shed a tear and we've empathized for a moment over the break-up (for the 17th time) of her and Dr. McDreamy, but by the next week we're back to her happy self-involved little life where she'll just find someone new to keep her content. And who really wants to see her devastated and not getting out of bed for weeks? Or even worse, going back to a semi-normal life with no love interest? Horrors!

I think this breeds a lot of discontent with people who have an expectation that life will constantly be dynamic and exciting. Real life is actually rather boring an unexciting for the most part. We go on great vacations but eventually we do have to come back. We plans for months to have a beautiful wedding ceremony but marriage is really about the 50-years after the Big Day. Life can't be reduced to a 60-minute television show that only shows the highlights.

This is all really just to say that I want to be better at being content with life in the everyday. With persevering and being faithful in the areas of my life that I've committed. I think true contentment lies in just that. Not jumping from one life change to the next, but really finding peace in the mundane.

I'm tired of words

I've been thinking lately about how much of what we do every day revolves around words. About the ability to put our thoughts into something meaningful using a common language. More than just our thoughts really. Who we are is largely summarized by the words we use. We talk to express frustration, sadness, joy, confusion, despair, excitement, etc. I've heard people characterize their best date ever as one where they talked for 5, 6, 7 hours straight. Whether we like it or not, we live and die by the words that come out of our mouth. Which may seem unfair, at times. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I have said something and immediately wished I hadn't said it. I am the girl, after all, who actually told a customer at Starbucks that I didn't recognize him with his pants on.

Trust me, there's a story there. But the point is, being the flawed creatures that we are, it just doesn't seem right that so much of who we are to the world is summed up by the way we speak. It is no wonder then that Proverbs tells us that "the tongue has the power of life and death" and in James that "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless". Worthless!

This all brings me to my big (drumroll please) 2008 New Year's Resolution!! It's time to rein in the tongue. More specifically, my tongue. While in the midst of deep self-reflection on my wild and raucous New Year's Eve (ha!), I began thinking about the ways that I probably hurt people with my witty and oftentimes biting sarcasm. In all honesty, it's sometimes one of my favorite things about myself...but I never want to be sarcastic at the expense of someone else's feelings. If I can just remember that who I am is defined by what I say, it does me no good to say "Oh, I didn't mean to be rude. If they know me, they'll understand I'm just joking around."

A lot of it comes back to this whole having a "gentle and quiet spirit" thing that I have a love-hate relationship with. And when I say love-hate, I really mean mostly hate. I've always thought that because I'm sort of this sassy, sarcastic person that means I'm not a "gentle and quiet spirit". And while I know I am who God made me (and God don't make no mistakes!), that doesn't give me the right to sort of blaze forward with a sort of Wild West-John Wayne-Go Ahead, Make My Day attitude. But cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit doesn't mea I lose a sense of humor either.

So there it is. 2008 is about taming my tongue, about learning what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit, while maintaining the unique image of God that lies in me.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of.....what exactly?

Life's a curious thing. Especially when you're 25, have (by most standards) a great job, good family, you're physically fit, and life generally seems to be going you're way. On the surface, it seems as though one as sort of acheived the American Dream. All the things you're supposed to aspire to as a mature young adult. Yeah, sure, marriage and kids are part of the equation for many people, but it's not to say that "happieness" cannot be acheived in their absence.

I am that person these days. I do have a great job. I have supportive family. I am, for all intents and purposes, physically fit. I have goals. I get to travel frequently. I play a role in a local church. But there are times at the end of the day that I question what exactly it is that I do. I basically market products to the extremely wealthy. Not exactly soul-satisfying work. Don't get me wrong; I am totally blessed to have the job that I do, but in quiet moments I can't help but acknowledge that life is about more than the 9-5.

I do feel the most purposeful when I am in a church leading worship. I'd rather do that than anything else, I think, but a girl has to support herself somehow! It's not the easiest thing, as a woman (please pardon any feminist undertones), to find a job as a "worship leader", even in the 21st century. This, of course, assumes that I want to be on staff at a church...which isn't necessarily even true. I'm sort of in a holding pattern where the Church is concerned (specific bodies excluded; merely speaking in general terms). It's as if the church and I have been married for 25 years and are now at a place of silent indifference. We acknowledge that we've fallen out of love with each other, but divorce doesn't seem like the best plan either.

All this to say, I want to do something more eternally minded, but recognize at the same time that getting a job at a church somewhere doesn't exactly solve the problem of discovering and walking in my life purpose. As a dear friend pointed out the other day, you can be just as dissatisfied with your life in a "spiritual" job as an unspiritual one. And it's true.

In a conversation with my sister earlier, I pointed out to her that life is so not about what great things we do or who we marry or where we go. I honestly believe that God doesn't really even care. What he does care about is how much we look like Jesus. All of life, its hardship and its triumph is about molding us to be more like Christ and once we begin to look at life through that lens, things begin to make more sense and are ultimately more satisfying.

the return

Ah yes, the long overdue emergence from silence. Oftentimes, a silence does not begin because of a lack of things to say, but it merely arises out of a desire to say something that means something. Something other than the meaningless drivel that defines so many of our daily lives. I have this blog merely to write when I feel inspired, not to write just to fill a void in cyberspace. And that is not to say, of course, that the last year or so has been completely un-inspired. But many of the things I've wanted to say have been a bit more difficult to put into words. It is amazing how thoughts and ideas can sort of exist in one's mind, yet are rarely ever tangible enough to actually be written and more importantly, understood by another human being.

You know what drives me insane? Those weird moving aliens/robots/random detectives that dance around in totally inhuman ways in those mortgage ads on the Internet. Seriously, it's so distracting, which of course is the point, but I have to physically cover them up with my hand while I'm reading a page because they make me want to vomit. Also, that ad for that cellulite cream or whatever it is and some lady's posterior is pictured twice: once all cottage cheesy and the other, smooth as butter. Not only annoying, but completely disgusting and inappropriate.

Something I like: the Google maps distance measurement tool. Something I like even better: getting home and tracing my route and realizing I ran farther than I thought. And Pita Jungle hummus. And those Izze sodas in the can (blackberry flavor), which unfortunately, I have a really hard time finding in any local grocery stores.

It seems I have totally contradicted myself with this post. All my blathering about how this blog should be inspired and meaningful and I ended up rambling about Izze sodas and Internet advertising. Tune in next time for more meaningless drivel...