So long status quo

Secondhand Jesus: Trading Rumors of God for a Firsthand Faith

2009-06-02T21:53:00.003-06:00

This book is for anyone who's been in the church/the faith for any length of time and ever asked themselves "What is this even about and what are we doing here?"

I've found this book to be authentic and raw at it's very core as Packiam deals with some of the major "rumors" about God in our culture today. It's a sobering thing to think you've lived your entire life as a Christian, and yet in the dark and quiet moments, question whether you really know who God is or what He is about.

As we go through life and either experience trying times on our own or witness the tribulation of those dearest to us, we come face to face with those questions. We may even attempt to throw out a few answers, but unless we do the work of seeking Him out, we can never experience true authenticity in our relationship with Christ.

Packiam has presented the challenge to me to find out who God is, independent of what the "experts" have to say, no matter how compelling the song lyrics or how often downloaded the sermon podcast may be. As Paul says in Phillipians 3:8 "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things". Truly knowing Him surpasses all thing and we should not be satisfied with Rumors.

What the...

2009-05-04T22:26:00.003-06:00

Don't get excited. I've made no resolution to start blogging again. I have, however, been thinking about lots of blogging things lately. And I'm trying to write songs and have found that my creativity is at an all-time low and I'm hoping that if I start writing down thoughts more often, things will start flowing a bit better. And who has time for actual pen-to-journal writing? That requires an energy commitment that I'm just not ready for. Commitment-phobe? I think not. Energy efficient? Yes. And going green. How trendy of me. Someone call Al Gore, I'm saving the earth.

Speaking of going Green, I got a call from the North Texas alumni association the other day. Some 16-year old TAMS student, no doubt, calls to update my address, get the low-down on my current job situation, raise money, etc.

Energetic TAMS kid: "Oh you're in marketing? Cool! How'd that happen? A communications degree, you say? What exactly does that even mean? Oh you're not sure? This is uncomfortable. Would you like to donate money to an education for kids who are getting degrees that will actually give them a life skill?"

So I listen to his little fundraising spiel and as he's going on and on, I say:

"Hey, it's been fun, but I've got to run out the door. Is there any way you can send me an email about all of this? "

Energetic TAMS kid: "Um, yeah I can't do that. We're going green here at North Texas. But I'd be happy to call you back at a time that's more convenient for you."

Long pause.

Me: "I don't mean to be rude, but can you explain how exactly "going green" means you can't send me an email?"

Energetic TAMS kid: "Well, we'd have to pay someone to send the email and it uses up all that energy. But I can see if my supervisor will make a special exception."

Oh trust me, it's considerably less energy than this conversation is taking. And by "going green" I now understand he means "saving green". But whatever. Does he not have a computer in front of him? And a special exception? This is not like asking for the vegetarian meal on a plane. Hit send. I'll send money. Good trade off. I'm was a Comm major and even I can figure that one out.

Me: "Yeah, yeah kid. Call me tomorrow."

Thank goodness for caller ID.

A Call to Action

2008-06-13T18:36:00.002-06:00

Last night I watched the documentary "Branded", a new documentary by a guy from The Element. It exposes the sex trafficking business in the Phoenix area, mostly girls under the age of 18.

I wept through the entire thing.

I couldn't help but think the whole time about how blessed my sisters and I were to be born into the life that we were. And about how these girls live just miles from me, with absolutely no hope. About how it's really easy for me to leave my nice apartment, wearing nice clothes, and go sing nice songs proclaiming Truth, hope, life, and still walk away many times unchanged and even unmotivated to really live out the Gospel. The reason Jesus came: "To preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoner."

I shouldn't speak for anyone else who viewed the film, but I have to say that I left with strong conviction last night that if I do nothing...if I walk away unchanged and unmoved, than I am nothing but an "educated, self-inflated Pharisee".

So what's the next step? I'm still figuring that out. But I do know that I will do something. If that means giving money , donating my time, finding ways to create awareness about injustice in my own backyard, I'll do it. I know I don't blog very often, but I'm writing so that you, few readers, will hold me accountable. I don't want to forget and continue to live out my life in a fabricated, blissful ignorance.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Living a life in the mundane

2008-01-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

I read today on CNN.com that the 21-year marriage of Spiderman and MJ has finally come to an end. Now, I am not an avid Spiderman and I've never even picked up a single comic book, but this struck me as really sad and I think it serves as some real insight into our modern-day culture.

Essentially, the two are breaking up to "add some excitement" to the story. I mean, what can possibly be exciting about the ins and outs of a 21-year marriage? Great television drama is not made up of happily married, functional and healthy marriages. Which is why we love Grey's Anatomy. What makes for better drama than a bunch of hot, wildly successful and single surgeons who switch romantic partners like they're playing a game of Hot Potato? Monogamy really is no fun. Where else but prime-time televison are we actually hoping Dr. McDreamy will leave his beautiful wife to be with the young, exciting intern? I'm sad to say I'm even part of the viewing audience.

But this isn't about Grey's Anatomy. This is about the propensity of human beings to jump from one new thing to the next hoping to find the thing that will ultimately satisfy them at their core. And about how in our culture, the "everyday" is just boring. When in reality, the majority of our life is made up by the "everyday". We get up, go to work, drink our coffee, eat lunch at the same places, go home, workout, eat dinner, etc etc. Not really all that exciting by some standards and so we look to Dr. McDreamy, or Spiderman or some other fictional character to make our mundane lives seem more exciting.

The reality (and perhaps saddest part) is that the true extent of living life in that way is never explored on t.v. Can you imagine actually living the life of any of those people? When the show is over, perhaps Meredith has shed a tear and we've empathized for a moment over the break-up (for the 17th time) of her and Dr. McDreamy, but by the next week we're back to her happy self-involved little life where she'll just find someone new to keep her content. And who really wants to see her devastated and not getting out of bed for weeks? Or even worse, going back to a semi-normal life with no love interest? Horrors!

I think this breeds a lot of discontent with people who have an expectation that life will constantly be dynamic and exciting. Real life is actually rather boring an unexciting for the most part. We go on great vacations but eventually we do have to come back. We plans for months to have a beautiful wedding ceremony but marriage is really about the 50-years after the Big Day. Life can't be reduced to a 60-minute television show that only shows the highlights.

This is all really just to say that I want to be better at being content with life in the everyday. With persevering and being faithful in the areas of my life that I've committed. I think true contentment lies in just that. Not jumping from one life change to the next, but really finding peace in the mundane.

I'm tired of words

2008-01-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about how much of what we do every day revolves around words. About the ability to put our thoughts into something meaningful using a common language. More than just our thoughts really. Who we are is largely summarized by the words we use. We talk to express frustration, sadness, joy, confusion, despair, excitement, etc. I've heard people characterize their best date ever as one where they talked for 5, 6, 7 hours straight. Whether we like it or not, we live and die by the words that come out of our mouth. Which may seem unfair, at times. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I have said something and immediately wished I hadn't said it. I am the girl, after all, who actually told a customer at Starbucks that I didn't recognize him with his pants on.

Trust me, there's a story there. But the point is, being the flawed creatures that we are, it just doesn't seem right that so much of who we are to the world is summed up by the way we speak. It is no wonder then that Proverbs tells us that "the tongue has the power of life and death" and in James that "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless". Worthless!

This all brings me to my big (drumroll please) 2008 New Year's Resolution!! It's time to rein in the tongue. More specifically, my tongue. While in the midst of deep self-reflection on my wild and raucous New Year's Eve (ha!), I began thinking about the ways that I probably hurt people with my witty and oftentimes biting sarcasm. In all honesty, it's sometimes one of my favorite things about myself...but I never want to be sarcastic at the expense of someone else's feelings. If I can just remember that who I am is defined by what I say, it does me no good to say "Oh, I didn't mean to be rude. If they know me, they'll understand I'm just joking around."

A lot of it comes back to this whole having a "gentle and quiet spirit" thing that I have a love-hate relationship with. And when I say love-hate, I really mean mostly hate. I've always thought that because I'm sort of this sassy, sarcastic person that means I'm not a "gentle and quiet spirit". And while I know I am who God made me (and God don't make no mistakes!), that doesn't give me the right to sort of blaze forward with a sort of Wild West-John Wayne-Go Ahead, Make My Day attitude. But cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit doesn't mea I lose a sense of humor either.

So there it is. 2008 is about taming my tongue, about learning what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit, while maintaining the unique image of God that lies in me.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of.....what exactly?

2007-11-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

Life's a curious thing. Especially when you're 25, have (by most standards) a great job, good family, you're physically fit, and life generally seems to be going you're way. On the surface, it seems as though one as sort of acheived the American Dream. All the things you're supposed to aspire to as a mature young adult. Yeah, sure, marriage and kids are part of the equation for many people, but it's not to say that "happieness" cannot be acheived in their absence.

I am that person these days. I do have a great job. I have supportive family. I am, for all intents and purposes, physically fit. I have goals. I get to travel frequently. I play a role in a local church. But there are times at the end of the day that I question what exactly it is that I do. I basically market products to the extremely wealthy. Not exactly soul-satisfying work. Don't get me wrong; I am totally blessed to have the job that I do, but in quiet moments I can't help but acknowledge that life is about more than the 9-5.

I do feel the most purposeful when I am in a church leading worship. I'd rather do that than anything else, I think, but a girl has to support herself somehow! It's not the easiest thing, as a woman (please pardon any feminist undertones), to find a job as a "worship leader", even in the 21st century. This, of course, assumes that I want to be on staff at a church...which isn't necessarily even true. I'm sort of in a holding pattern where the Church is concerned (specific bodies excluded; merely speaking in general terms). It's as if the church and I have been married for 25 years and are now at a place of silent indifference. We acknowledge that we've fallen out of love with each other, but divorce doesn't seem like the best plan either.

All this to say, I want to do something more eternally minded, but recognize at the same time that getting a job at a church somewhere doesn't exactly solve the problem of discovering and walking in my life purpose. As a dear friend pointed out the other day, you can be just as dissatisfied with your life in a "spiritual" job as an unspiritual one. And it's true.

In a conversation with my sister earlier, I pointed out to her that life is so not about what great things we do or who we marry or where we go. I honestly believe that God doesn't really even care. What he does care about is how much we look like Jesus. All of life, its hardship and its triumph is about molding us to be more like Christ and once we begin to look at life through that lens, things begin to make more sense and are ultimately more satisfying.

the return

2007-10-29T21:21:00.000-06:00

Ah yes, the long overdue emergence from silence. Oftentimes, a silence does not begin because of a lack of things to say, but it merely arises out of a desire to say something that means something. Something other than the meaningless drivel that defines so many of our daily lives. I have this blog merely to write when I feel inspired, not to write just to fill a void in cyberspace. And that is not to say, of course, that the last year or so has been completely un-inspired. But many of the things I've wanted to say have been a bit more difficult to put into words. It is amazing how thoughts and ideas can sort of exist in one's mind, yet are rarely ever tangible enough to actually be written and more importantly, understood by another human being.

You know what drives me insane? Those weird moving aliens/robots/random detectives that dance around in totally inhuman ways in those mortgage ads on the Internet. Seriously, it's so distracting, which of course is the point, but I have to physically cover them up with my hand while I'm reading a page because they make me want to vomit. Also, that ad for that cellulite cream or whatever it is and some lady's posterior is pictured twice: once all cottage cheesy and the other, smooth as butter. Not only annoying, but completely disgusting and inappropriate.

Something I like: the Google maps distance measurement tool. Something I like even better: getting home and tracing my route and realizing I ran farther than I thought. And Pita Jungle hummus. And those Izze sodas in the can (blackberry flavor), which unfortunately, I have a really hard time finding in any local grocery stores.

It seems I have totally contradicted myself with this post. All my blathering about how this blog should be inspired and meaningful and I ended up rambling about Izze sodas and Internet advertising. Tune in next time for more meaningless drivel...

Missing the Messiah

2006-12-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I was at Wonderland rehearsal on Saturday morning. Wonderland is New Life's annual Christmas production. It's huge. Literally there are hundreds of people involved. It can be a bit....um, long, at best, however during the all too familiar "Nativity scene", I was struck by something so profound, almost to the point of tears, as the "wise men" brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

The majority of the world missed the Messiah. With the exception of a few shepherds, and a couple of wise men, the world missed the single most important event in its history. The all-powerful God, sent His Son, a picture of Himself, in human form to the world, and we missed it. We missed in part, because we didn’t expect the King of the universe to send His son to a crappy little town and ordain for him to be born in a barn. But I think the biggest reason we missed it, is the reason I wanted to cry on Saturday.

And the reason is, we did not recognize Him. The God that the Jews had been serving for thousands of years, who had promised them a Messiah, whom they believed they knew intimately, at last fulfills that promise, and most of them had no idea.

If you read through some of the Old Testament books, Deuteronomy for example, God seems to be rather strict, driven by rules and regulations, and easily angered. In those days, if you married a woman and found out later that she wasn’t a virgin, you had every right to take her out and stone her.

How could that be the same God who, when presented with a woman caught in adultery, says to onlookers, “You who is without sin, cast the first stone” and then proceeds to tell her that she is free to go? No wonder the Jews didn’t recognize Him! To them he seemed heretical! Yet somehow, it was the same God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

But this causes me to stop and think: “Would I have recognized Him?” I know I get so caught up in my safe little version of Christianity, a world in which I follow the rules and things generally go ok. I go to church, sing in the choir, work at a Christian radio station, and live my life as if I really know who Jesus is. But do I really? Do I have so many preconceived notions, but in reality, have no idea who He really is? Would I recognize the Messiah if I met Him on the street tomorrow? Or would I just think He was crazy, and in no way fitting in my box of “safe Christianity”? Would I even think Jesus was a Christian? Or would I be ready to crucify him along with the rest of the “crazies”?

I think I’m ready to meet the real Jesus. Whoever that is. However “unsafe” He might be. However much He may not fit into my box.

Jules

2006-09-20T20:38:00.000-06:00

This is for Julie. Hey there friend! Julie is my Panera buddy. We meet there at least twice a week to have coffee, a brownie, a bagel, and all of the gory, mundane, yet dramatic details of our lives. Thanks for listening, and mostly being available on the spur of the moment.

iTunes

2006-09-16T01:03:00.000-06:00

Hey I just got a new laptop (yes, the reason for the overhwelming number of blogs recently...all 3 of them) and iTunes. Welcome to the 21st century, Lisa. I want your top 5 suggestions of songs I should download. Please, comment.

Ready, go.

Elizabeth and Cinderella

2006-09-16T00:08:00.000-06:00

I spent a weekend at the lake with my family in August. Always a good time. Getting some sun, sleeping in (well, sort of), eating good food, water sports, etc. It's so weird to see my cousins getting older, listening to cooler music than me, having more relationship experience than me, and become better looking. When did that happen?

My youngest cousin, Elizabeth, is a beautiful, brown eyed, brown haired (haired?), spunky 4-year old. She's smart and funny and even a bit sarcastic. It's possible she also has more relationship experience than me, but let's not get depressed.

She is also very much in a "princess" phase. She wants to watch princesses, be a princess, play with princess Barbie, dress like a princess, and maybe even act like a princess. She asked me to sit with her and watch Cinderella, the Disney classic. If I turned my head for even a second to look at something other than the t.v. during the course of the movie I was reprimanded: "Lisa, watch!!" She was glued to the t.v., holding her Barbie, asking me to hold Ken, and we were to make the dolls mimic the cartoon characters. She was in it.

I love Cinderella as much the next girl, but it was fascinating to watch her fascination with the movie. How is it that a 4-year old girl can already be caught up in the fairy tale? From such a young age, she has bought in to the whole story hook, line and sinker. No wonder it can feel like we're single for such a long time. We've been waiting for Prince Charming (or Cinderella) since we were 4. That's 20 years for me!

I watched the film with a bit different perspective this time. A beautiful girl is hidden away by an evil power, with a beautiful heart, a true servant, that no one fully appreciates or even sees. Until...the day. When he sees her. Truly sees her. The way no one has ever seen her. He sees something in her, in a moment of true destiny, from across a huge room, and goes after her. He doesn't care what anyone thinks. He doesn't care if he's making a fool of himself. He's found her. He asks her to dance, she accepts, and she feels so sublimely happy that she isn't sure if she's dreaming. It's too wonderful. Too perfect. So she runs, because she is afraid.

But it doesn't matter. Because now that he's found her, he'll do anything to find her, to win her heart. He needs her to know that he is safe. He can be trusted. He'll send someone to every house in Colorado to find the pair of perfect feet, that will fit the perfect shoe, that belong to the perfect girl...for him.

Lord! No wonder we get so disappointed! Who could ever live up to that?

This time around, I realized that is exactly what Jesus does. He notices something valuable about us, despite our disheveled appearance, and asks us to dance. And he comes after us even if we run because we're afraid. I know it seems a bit cheesy to be all "Oh Jesus is my prince charming!". Annoying, but there is a bit of truth in it. He does see the value in us, despite our cleaning clothes, and he wants to dress us up and take us to the castle and live happily ever after. Maybe we just don't know a good thing when we already have it...

Say goodnight and go

2006-09-15T23:40:00.000-06:00

I'll just give a big Colorado welcome to myself after a long hiatus from the world of internet blogging. Yes, Colorado. That's where I live now. People ask me why I moved back; my ansewer? "Why not?" This is the type of thing you're supposed to do when you're 24, have no significant other, illegitimate children, or any semblance of clue of what to do with your life. Mountains? Why not? 105 degrees and humidity? No thanks.

I have a hard time making major decisions in my life often times. I struggle so much with figuring out The Thing I'm Supposed to Do, seeing my life's journey as a tight rope I have to try and balance, staying exactly on The Path of Destiny. The older I get (yeah, so I'm only 24), the more I realize that it is so much more a Choose Your Own Adventure book. This explains so much why I create so much stress for myself. As a kid, when I read those, I had to know every single possible conclusion. I had to read every adventure, know everything that could possibly happen in order to choose the best adventure. Real life does not work that way, however, which is a good thing!

I have to learn to just DO something. Be ok with making a mistake. I think it is foolishness (and perhaps even prideful) to think that we can always make the best decision all the time. I could have stayed in Texas and worked at Geico, or I could move to Colorado with no job and hope things turned out for the better. And they HAVE! God provided an amazing job for me within a week of being here; a job I really enjoy. What a novel concept. I could never have known what lied ahead had I not just packed up my car and started driving. I also think that I could have stayed in Dallas, worked at Geico, and probably been fine. But not quite as happy. I just don't want to live my life looking back, wondering "what if....".

I heard someone say the other day that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. Look forward! Choose your OWN adventure! Trust that God is right along with you, ready to take the adventure with you, to bless, to provide, to delight, just because you're His.

Insecurity

2006-01-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about insecurities. We all have them. There are at least a few things that I can think of right now that I am insecure about. To be insecure (according to Webster's dictionary) is 1 : not confident or sure : UNCERTAIN . I'm not confident about my cooking ability. I've made one too many chocolate cakes with peanut oil or thought the recipe called for 1 cup of salt instead of a teaspoon. I don't know what it is; do I forget how to read? Come down with a temporary vision impairment ? Imagine for a moment that I'm cooking for a hundred people instead of just one?

Whatever it is, it has caused me to, over time, to more and more hesitant to cook for anyone. Potluck? I'll bring a bag of chips or something. Part of it is that my sister (who shall remain unnamed, but you know who you are), was always more proficient in the kitchen than I was. She was in there making up her own chocolate chip cookie recipe while I was cleaning my eye glasses or something else equally lame. All through college I managed to escape the art by either eating out way more than I should (thank you Taco Cabana) or sticking a hot pocket in the microwave. (I must add at this point that in my very first apartment I tried to cook a frozen pizza on my second day of newfound independence. I started a small fire. Perhaps they should require you to have a license of some sort to even preheat an oven.)

Over the years I've attempted and eventually mastered a few recipes. But please don't ask me to branch out. I think I can cook about 3 different meals now. If I rotate them, my husband will never notice. Every once in awhile I'll throw in some cookies (freshly cut from their frozen package) and he'll be content.

Anyway, that was not the point. The point of all this...is insecurity. And how eventually, insecurities, if not managed, can alienate you from those you love. If you are not confident in who you are, and the abilities that God has blessed you with, you will always be looking for other people to validate you. I've begun to realize that many people, single girls especially, seem to have a plethora of insecurities that we somehow hope our husband will make us feel better about, or we live in constant fear that he'll someday discover that we're not as great as he first thought and eventually become bored. If we don't first discover our identity and find our confidence in the Lord, we will live a life in the shadow of self-doubt and insecurity.

I'm not saying that one should walk around and pretend they're perfect, but simply try and see ourselves as the Lord sees us, and learn to be confident and content with who He's made us to be. Recognize our faults as well as our talents, and live a life unfettered by the chains of self-doubt. Realize that no one will ever completely satisfy us, other than the Lord, and stop looking for others to make us feel complete.

Decisions, decisions

2005-12-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm discovering I have great difficulty in my life when it comes to making big decisions. I tend to overspiritualize everything. I'm so afraid to make the "wrong" decision that it takes me months to figure out what I should do. I pray and fast hoping for some sort of sign from God and then when I don't see writing on the wall, I freak out and end up making no decision at all.

When it comes to shopping or what beverage I should order at Starbucks I have no problems. I don't see the point in trying on 20 pairs of jeans and taking an hour to decide which ones make my butt look best. If I don't find something I want in a store in under 20 minutes, I'm usually out. It's not worth the time and I don't leave upset and in turmoil over the fact that I didn't choose anything.

However, it's the bigger things that stump me. I'm not really implying that I should treat big life decisions like a pair of jeans and pick something in 20 minutes, but shouldn't it be just a bit easier than I make it? Maybe God just wants us to pick something and get on with our lives. Maybe everything isn't as spiritual as I make it and I should just go with what feels best. People in the Bible had it so easy. God did actually write on walls, or send 10ft angels, or send a prophet to your front door.

I was watching "The Preacher's Wife" on TV the other day and I sent a little prayer up to the Lord. I said "Lord, if you're not going to send me an angel with specific instructions about my life plan, then can you just send me Denzel Washington?"

So what's the verdict? Roll the dice and just go with what feels right, or wait for writing on the wall that may or may not come?

God and Darwin

2005-12-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Newsweek had a fascinating article about Charles Darwin this week. I learned a lot that I didn't know about him or his theories (blame it on bad high school science teachers). Darwin was actually planning to go into full-time ministry before he went on a little boat trip and visited the island of Galapagos (with the turtles) and made all his discoveries about natural selection. After writing his book and announcing his theories about evolution, Darwin eventually fell away from his beliefs in God, not only because of his theories that he believed precluded the existence of God, but also because of personal tragedy in his own life. He asked the quesiton that we all ask, at one time or another, if God exists, why does He let bad things happen? His own daughter died at the age of 10 from illness and Darwin eventually died a non-believer.

The Christian Church has been at war with Darwin and his theories for the last century, the most well-known battle fought over whether children should be taught evolution as part of their studies in public school versus theories of intelligent design. They (or should I say we?) have villanized the man and made it a religious freedom issue.

How important is this issue? Can one believe in evolution and still be a believer in the one true God? Did Darwin go to heaven? Can I be a Christian and still totally deny the truth of certain parts of the Bible? Our salvation is supposedly based on our faith in God and His son, so is it possible to still have faith and false beliefs? Can they co-exist?

A. W. Tozer said "What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. ... Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God." Is what we think about God central to our salvation though?

Thoughts welcome. :o)

When life gives you lemons...

2005-11-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

...make lemonade. But what if you don't like lemonade?

I really don't understand the way life is sometimes. You're going along, doing your thing, trying to follow God's call for you life, even though you have no idea what that is. You think things are going a certain way and then BAM!! You're suddenly hit in the face with a whole bushel of lemons and wonder how it happened. Did I miss something? Was I supposed to turn right back there instead of left?

I think the most frustrating thing is that I wonder if it's possible that I've known the Lord for as long as I have and am still unable to hear His voice. Did I just think I heard it? Did I follow Him to this place only to find out I was following something else? What have years of going to church, having quiet times, going to school of ministry led me to? A total inability to separate myself enough from my own feelings and emotions to make a decision totally based on what God wants me to do?

The tricky thing is this whole idea of God granting you the desires of you heart. Somehow I've believed the docrtine of "God wants you to have what you desire so just keep following and trusting Him and things will work out the way you want." The idea that obedience somehow leads to success and happiness. I've been living my whole life under that premise. If I am faithful and do what He wants me to do, things are going to work out better for me than Susie Sinful. When that doesn't happen, you start to quesiton your very identity. The day you wake up and realize that maybe you're really a Pharisee is a bad one.

So for the time being, I'm just gonna add those lemons to my iced tea.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

2005-11-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is about this age, mid-20's. It seems that there should be some sort of support group for those of us who are single, out of college, and either starting a professional career or looking for one. It's such a weird time. I thought college was bizarre, but it doesn't even compare to this.

I am trying to answer all these huge life questions, while trying to maintain that I've already figured them all out. I've never had so many deep, long discussions about the meaning of life, and what my core values are, and what I want to do, and who I want to be. And they aren't debate-like discussions where I state what I believe and the other person responds. It's more of a dialogue where he/she will say something that makes me say "Yeah, that's what I want too!" or "No, I don't follow that at all." I'm not talking about changing truth, but I feel like I'm beginning to formulate who it is that I am and who I want to be.

I know that it is a priority to me to always have close and intimate friendships in my life no matter if I'm married or single. We can make it without people who know us and who help us through crappy times and keep us accountable. I see too many married couples today who seem to be content with just having each other. That is not going to cut it for me. I want a group of friends who go out on Friday nights and do dinner. Who share life experiences and are vulnerable. I don't want surfacy friends that I see once a week at church in passing as we drop our kids off at Sunday school. Or ones that I make small talk with at soccer practice. I think this is a huge issue with our culture these days. No one has true friendship anymore. The church has tried to remedy this with small groups, but I question whether that has even worked. I know people who go to small groups and still don't have any true friends that they are real with. I know life gets busy with jobs and kids and whatever else, but we make time for what is important to us and this is important to me.

This isn't the most well-written blog ever, but thanks for reading anyway.

Down with the Man

2005-09-27T09:21:00.001-06:00

I think I'd update more often if there wasn't all this pressure to come up with something witty and brilliant everytime. I mean, after all the name of this blog is "So long status quo". My byline may as well be "Just say no to ordinary". That actually sounds like a car commercial..."The 2006 Kia Spectra...just say no to ordinary." I should get paid for this stuff.

I'm currently at my church office answering phones while the staff is in a meeting. They came in and asked me to make a pot of coffee. When I brought it in I said "This is so pre-women's lib." I mean, seriously. Did anyone see that political cartoon about John Roberts during his senate confirmation? He's been taking a lot of flak for his position on women's issues during the 80's. In the cartoon someone is asking him about women's rights or something and he turns to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, hands her his coffee cup, and says "Black, decaf". Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

I don't know why I decided to make it a women's lib issue. Maybe it's cause I went through a feminist phase one semester in college. Why can't I assume that they asked me because I work for Starbucks and they know I can make a good cup of coffee? Or because I'm volunteering to answer the phones while they're in staff and it's only logical that I'll make coffee while they're here?

Perhaps this is an overarching issue for my life. I make everything into some bigger issue. I always want to make my small problem part of some bigger general issue. I can't simply make coffee for people. I have to make it into a political issue that women have been dealing with for the ages. Burn your bras! Put your kids in daycare because you can work just as well as a man! Join forces and refuse to make coffee!!

A venti coffee and a side of crazy to go

2005-08-18T09:08:00.000-06:00

So I'm at work yesterday...

(It's possible that many entries could begins this way. I work at Starbucks and the weirdest people come in sometimes. For example, the guy who came in a few weeks ago ranting about how the Communists are everywhere, they're creating an army of cars (?), and how he needs a ride down to Borders bookstore because he placed a Korean bible in the dumpster there that has codes in it to save the world. Just another day in the life of a guy who obviously works for the CIA, the FBI, and conicidentally, the KGB, which for those of you who watch Alias, no longer exists. He was later on dragged out by the police. I wonder what they did with that pita bread he was snacking on?)

So this trucker guy comes in. He's from Tennessee. Obviously never had corrective dental work done at any point in his life. He proceeds to order 2 drinks. A venti mocha with 8 shots of espresso. (For those who are not caffiene addicts, 8 shots should be past the legal limit. I wouldn't want to drive my little car next to his semi.) He also orders a venti white mocha frappucino with 10 scoops of malt, for his pregnant wife who is apparently waiting in the truck. Now, the normal amount that I would put in a venti frappucino is 4. So obviously someone is using that "I'm pregnant and can consume whatever I want" routine.

Dwayne proceeds to talk about how he drives in 48 states and takes his wife with him wherever he goes. Dwayne has a special skill, too. He can tell when women are going to get pregnant. He knew about his wife and his sister--in-law. He points to me (which I am oblivious to at the time) and says to my co-worker, "See that girl over there? She'll be pregnant within a year."

Thanks, Dwayne. I need a shower now. And a prescription for birth control. Have a nice day and enjoy that caffiene.

What the heck?

2005-08-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

Why do I feel compelled to start another one of these things? Nicole, this is totally your fault. I had one for about 3 years, and it turned into a writhing mass of melodrama. Oooh, that was nice. Maybe I blog because I say insane things like "writhing mass of melodrama."

So this is where I get to talk all about me, and open the door to all of you and invite you to share in my sick little world. The world where everything is analyzed in triplicate and where I finally come to see that simple truths are really just that...truth. And there's a reason things become cliche. As much as we hate to hear them, they are true. Things like "It'll all work out in the end" and "Time heals all wounds". Oh how I hate that.

It's raining here and a bit cold. I could opt to stay here and watch Felicity for 2 hours on WE, end up crying and depressed and thinking about all the reasons why my life connects with a fictional character...or I could go to the Evil Empire of Darkness (aka WalMart) and buy deodorant.

See, already I've sucked you in. Isn't this fun?